KP: The Twitter Files

August 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

I Kevin Pietersen am distraught.

Today was a bad day. It started off as a good day. But by the middle of the afternoon it got bad and come dinner time I can only say its turned into a fucking nightmare. I’ll take you through it:

7am:  I wake up like a child at Christmas. Go straight to my games room, and watch highlights package from yesterday.

9am: God that was good.

10am: I’m lying in a state of ecstasy when the phone rings. It’s my mole on the inside Charles Colville. Tells me that someone has set up a fake twitter account in my name. Someone close!

10.15am: I’m looking nervously out of my window. Fucking hell is that a cat? What the….

12pm: I’ve now called everyone in the team except Strauss and Swann. They’ve all denied it.

1.30pm: Right that’s it I’m taking legal action. Call my lawyer. Get Charles Colville on the other line to confirm what he’s just told me. The lawyer says this is serious– spoof accounts, fake blogs, satirical articles– they can destroy a man’s career. Am going to get medieval on this man’s arse. Whoever it is.

2pm: Both Swann and Strauss put out statements denying its them.

7pm: It’s not Beefy. Could it be Ryan Gosling? Well he never lent me that jacket….

7.30pm: Not Gosling. Clarkson’s probably too thick for this kind of caper. Peep nervously out of my window. It’s that cat again!

8pm: Pitt & Cruise,both have alibis….might call Josh Hamm

10pm: Hold on.

10.02: Checking through accounts I set up last month: KPLedge, KPSportsman, PremierKP, GuruPietersen, KPGreat, MammothKP, DonKP, KPAtlas, KPChrist, KPHumble, Modestlyyours, IKPFreely, KP6, JFKP, KevinGenius…

10:03pm: Ok mystery solved. I call Colville and give him the bollocking of his life. Then I tell him not to tell anyone, I could use this to my advantage.

 

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