Revenge (Updated)

October 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

Today I am deeply vindicated, 100% relieved, a martyr to the cause and yet I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth.

With the publication of my autobiography I’m starting a new chapter in my life. A chapter that will eventually become chapter 1 in my next autobiography “JFK and KP: The Conspiracy.” But first let me reflect on the book that I have written, “I KP”, the book which is also destined to become a metaphor for the symbol that is “KP.”

Yes it’s been a hard time. It’s been a time where I’ve plummeted lows I didn’t know existed, had the whole world on my back, a time of despair and total depression.

The low in this case was caused entirely by Andy Flower and his team of bullies. They made my life hell, as you can read in the new book, “I KP”. They took me apart.

There was the time they buried me in the sand. Or the time we went fencing and they gave me a shorter sword than everyone else. Wouldn’t you be angry at that? Or what about the time I had to pay for everyone’s dinner. I, me, Kevin f***** Pietersen! Treated like a common human being, when everyone knew what I really was an die ubermensch.

In the pantheon of narcisstits I am there with Russell “Rusty” Brand or NelsonMandela and yet NO ONE recognised it. Instead they hung me out to dry for some texts I sent in which I apparently called Straussy a doos, a tosser and a c**t.

That was absolute garbage. Even though I can’t recall what I did say in those texts because I was at the time incapacitated with a urinary infection what I do know is that I did not call Strauss a doos. Even though I have absolutely no recollection of that whole texting affair I do know I DID NOT CALL STRAUSS A DOOS!

It was absolute garbage. As far as I recall, which I do not recall a lot of, there were things said between me and a certain Saffer called Morne Morkel who’ll remain anonymous.

I mentioned things that men in my high-pressured situation normally do. Sex, peeing, crying a lot. But I never called Andy a doos.

100% false

But then again even if I did call him a doos wouldn’t you? I mean the man was just two millimetres this side of evil. I mean they don’t know how hard it was. I turned into a wreck then.

I used to be so nervous I’d wet myself in the changing rooms three or four times and hour. One day I went out to buy myself a new mobile phone. I came back to find someone had chucked all my nappies out of the balcony window. 34 of them ruined. I wet myself there and then. Five minutes later I was out in the middle with a confused brain, wet trousers unsure of where I was or what I was doing, the world watching me. Can you imagine what that feels like? Thanks God that Rahul Dravid came to my rescue and told me “go back home Keving and take some time off.”

Anyway all of that’s in the past. All that unresolved bitterness has been buried. Keeping those kinds of things with you will only make you worse. They will only inflame the hatred. As they say hatred begets hatred. It will consume you.

I will, however, say just once, unequivocally, with hand-on-heart, what a complete, double-dealing, back-stabbing, evil, evil, evil waste of space, tosser,most hated man in cricket, fool Matt Prior is. It was HE not me that walked around the cricket dressing room referring to themselves as the BIG CHEESE! He that pilloried and destroyed many a young cricketer by forcing them to apologise! F*** that. And you Swann! My hatred for you knows no bounds. It has no definition. There is no feeling in this world that comes close you snivelling little toad of a man. It was you that threw my nappies off the balcony wasn’t it? You that caused me to wet myself when you knew I had a urinary infection which I texted you about in 2008 and if you don’t remember that text than you’re an even bigger moron than I thought and I’ll produce it for you on my Blackberry 2008 edition which I keep in my home drawer next to the self-signed photo of myself, Kevin Pietersen!!!

Swann? Duck more like, And an ugly one at that.

But peace. Please. It’s time for me to stop now. I’ve got a hairdressing appointment in an hour. I would just like to say that my book is a closure for me. It’s time for the recriminations and warring words to stop. Time to move on. I KP am at peace. I wish the same for everyone in the world. I wish nothing more than peace. For you all.

Thank you


PS: The last paragraph does not apply to Jonathan Agnew–  you are a ******* man


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