Broady: The Battle of Nig-Nog

India

Aaaarghhh! Why can’t they do anything right? I asked for three ice cubes in my coke and they only gave me twoooo. Aaaaaghhh!

Dad told me there would be times like these. You know what I did? I punched him in his stomach and he went down like a sack of potatoes.  Aaaarghhh! Sometimes I think I’ll turn greeeeeenn!

There’s one in our team. Patel. What kind of name is that? I told him to make me a cup of tea the other day. Two sugars Patel I said. And he came back with one. I nearly killed him. Aaaaaargh.

Sometimes when I appeal I scream so loud I soil myself. So yesterday– simple thing– I told Patel to launder it for me. My jockstrap. He mumbled something which the interpreter translated as he was too busy doing the other boys clothes.

I went berserk. I headbutted him to the floor and used him as a footstool for the rest of the day.

This is the hotel the team is staying in:

What a dump!

The boys play on their playstations but I am above that. So when I plug my Nintendo Wii the plug won’t go in. I call Patel to sort it out but he mumbles something about the plugs the plugs. I’m so angry that I smash the plug hole, socket whatever you call it, to smithereens.

The next day they wanted me to go to the Taj Mahal. Taj…..Mahal? What kind of name is that?! You wouldn’t catch me dead there. They said it’s ok, it made from white marble. “But it’s full of brown monkeys,” I screamed!

The little brown men are everywhere. In the hotel too– they are guests……aaaaarrgh.

Yesterday I went down and went berserk. I just went for it. Kicking, screaming, punching, stomach blows, bodybutts, elbows the whole ten yards. At one point I stood in the middle of the room extended my arms and whirled around like a top. I destroyed several dozen of them. My lips turned red like an Octopus’s beak. But they kept coming. More and more and more. It was like the battle of Rourke’s Drift.

Eventually I barricaded the way with an old marble table and started shooting. Die! Die! Die! One of them popped his head out of a manhole and said “Sir can I be helping you please?” I biffed him back down with a circular punch on top of his head.

But more came. Too many. They tell me there are over a billion of them here. They come in different shapes, sizes, colours, creeds, languages, all the diversity of the earth under one sun. Almond eyes, flared nostrils, squat men with bellies, tall men with none, thin men, long, languid, graceful women, dark, dusky, dreamlike girls, fair, old, willowy, with names and tongues, torpid and tumescent, aaarghhh.

This is the battle we face.

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