*****y’s Diary: The Lads

*****y on Drinking

Hit the beers pretty hard after winning the World Cup. Fortunately there was a club in the hotel that made it a lot easier to stumble to our rooms. I still managed to get lost on the way to mine. Basically crawled into a darkened room, thinking it was my own. As I got into bed I noticed a shape lying next to me—it was Sachin Tendulkar! He woke up and asked me what the hell I was doing there.

“God I don’t know I said, I got lost. What’s the big deal anyway?”

“Please kindly leave now.”

“Well at least let me go for a p155 before I leave.”

“No you can’t have a p155! Please get out.”

“Don’t be so tight Sach, I mean what d’you want me to do, pi55 my pants?”

“Please to be leaving now!”

I went into his loo and took a p155 anyway. I could hear him getting agitated outside. Eventually, at the end of the day, I left.

As I was going out I could see him on the phone to security– I mean the man has no sense of humour!

*****y on…friends

Literally I love beer.

*****y asked me to organise a little speech at the club. Well when I turned up I found him and ****y on stage crawling about on all fours. One of them had a beer glass strapped to top of his head the other was trying grab it in his mouth. They kept chasing each other round in circles like two mad dogs! Clueless!

Then you know what? We ALL had a beer, got topless, tied our ties around our heads and started to piss around for forty odd minutes. These lads are some of the funniest guys I’ve ever meet.

*****y on ***y 

I am renowned for being a bit of a trash ****y junkie, which isn’t looked upon lightly in the dressing room. My favourite is Jeremy Kyle. Next is Geordie Shore. Then the Apprentice. Next is TOWIE. Followed by the X Factor. Then comes Pete and Jordan show. Next is I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Also House. Then there’s Britain’s Got Talent.

I will however draw the line at Big Brother. It’s lost all its charm in recent years. It’s pretty disappointing how things like that can go downhill so quickly!

I love chatting to *****y and *******y about the *****y ******y TV back in England– absolutely brilliantttttt. All the mind-numbing, brain destroying, personality warping stuff that have made our lads the race of individuals they are today! But snr management don’t know about this, so keep that to yourselves! Please. Shhh wink wink.”

****y on… *****y’s literary skills

“Tim Bresnan has limited literary skills. Full stop. He was in charge of writing the lads’ names on the bottles for the first Test. I’d say the lads have some pretty easy names to spell. ****y, ******y, ****y, ****y, Anderson. Easiest of the lot I reckon could be ****y… Bres couldn’t decide whether it had an extra ‘R’ in it. Or an ‘O’.

Ah well. It is who he his. You’ll often find him huddled in the corner of the dressing room, crouched into a ball, looking back at us. More Neanderthal than man he sits there giving us dark shifty glances, brows furrowed, hands clasped in agony. A doctor came to look at him once and just said “This man needs an emergency operation.”

Well I don’t know!”

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