Judge: Mr Gooch, please could you explain to the jury the events of that afternoon, Saturday 21st November?
Gooch: Yes m’lud. I was driving down the A651 motorway at 9.51am at a steady speed of 63 miles per hour which is when I saw it. The miscreant—standing over there, one Mr David Gower— overtook me in a convertible white Austin metro, 1965 model, with the top down.
I knew it was him because I recognised the car registration plate, having noted it on several occasions previous. I gave pursuit but was unable to catch him due to the very high speeds Mr Gower was travelling— in the range of 75 miles per hour to 81 miles per hour.
At Junction 32 I found a roadside telephone box whereupon I stopped and immediately telephoned the authorities.
Judge: But how can you be sure it was Mr Gower?
Gooch: The suspect had a similar wispy grey curl and sarcastic glint in his eye. I would recognise it anywhere, even with my eyes closed.
Judge: You had your eyes closed?
Gooch: No Sir I did not. However I have in the past been able to ascertain the presence of said culprit with my eyes closed. Often in states of repose, or at night.
Gooch: I stopped at the local pub, an establishment named the Kingy’s Arms. The suspect was sitting in the beer garden in the company of a dog. He was reading a copy of the newspaper and drinking a red beverage. I immediately ran to the bar to enquire the contents of this drink from the landlady and was informed it was a Bloody Mary.
Judge: And then?
Gooch: I assumed a position behind the suspect and proceeded to observe him. At one point Mr Gower began to laugh with violent hysterics.
Gooch: I believe it was something in the newspaper, since he muttered the words Kevin Pietersen out loud three times. At this juncture I feared he may already be drunk or drugged.
Judge: What was the dog doing?
Gooch: The dog was alternately scratching its nose and sniffing something on the floor.
Gooch: I do not know precisely but when I went over later to investigate I believe it could have been the remnants of a fish finger which Mr Gower had dropped.
Judge: How do you know?
Gooch: I smelt it Sir.
Judge: Go on.
Gooch: Mr Gower got up and walked to the lavatories, leaving said dog unattended at the table. I immediately identified this as a hazard and went to neutralise the threat. Unfortunately, as I approached it, the dog reared up and bit me on the ankle. I felt a sharp pain as the teeth went into my leg and let out a cry.
At this juncture I felt my trousers slip from my waist due to the tugging pressure from said canine. My leg gave way and I fell onto the table, knocking the red beverage over as well as a packet of crisps. I attempted to wrestle with the dog in order to remove it from my leg but its jaws were too powerful.
Judge: What breed was it?
Gooch: I believe it was a Scotch terrier.
Gooch: Mr Gower returned from the toilet a few minutes later. He asked me what I was doing with no trousers on, holding the dog at his table. I explained to him the circumstances but he would not listen and accused me of attempting to have intimate relations with said dog.
Despite my refutations he telephoned the local constabulary and I was arrested. I attempted to explain to the duty officer, one constable Perkins, that it was the dog that had committed an aggravated assault on my person, but he chose to ignore my evidence.
Judge: And what was the dog doing now?
Gooch: The dog had by now ceased its attack on my leg and was licking the crisp packet in a vain attempt to extract any crispy detritus from within.
Gooch: Yes, I believe Mr Gower had already licked the crisp packet earlier.
Judge: I see. Your case is a most troubling one Mr Gooch. I will have to consider it in greater length. However due to your previous work with the police community I am prepared to set your bail at 1000 pounds.
Gooch: Yes m’lud.
Judge: You will pay this fine in the next three days. Now put your trousers on.
Gooch: Q&A with Dermot Reeve
DR: Graham Gooch. How are you Sir!
DR: So, first question, how do you think the last match went?
GG: It was up and down. Our batsmen showed their were no demons in the pitch. But we lost at the end of the day. That’s cricket.
DR: It was a shame they lost.
GG: That’s cricket.
DR: Who is you favourite batsman Graham?
GG: Well, if I’m being honest I like grafters. The one’s who can stand up, put their hand in the air, reach into their pockets and give 110%. Team players. Like Alistair Cook. He’s a good lad. Always gives 110%. You saw how he played in the last match. He went out and did a job for the team.
DR: What job?
GG: Well he showed there were no demons in the pitch.
DR: I see. Is that what you would’ve done?
GG: Yes. I always went out there and gave 110% in every game I played. You’ve got stand up and be counted. You’ve got to take each over at a time. Each ball at a time. Each game at a time. Take it as it comes. I mean at the end of the day cricket– what is it?
DR: A game?
DR: In other words its not all about the individual?
GG: No, never. It’s about the team. At the end of the day you’ve got to graft. Half of us give our all for the team. But there is a remaining 10% who don’t. End of.
DR: And the other 40%?
GG: They do nothing.
DR: Thanks. So what’s been your own favourite innings?
GG: Well personally speaking Dermot my favourite innings was the 333 runs I scored in Nagpur. I literally felt on fire that day. I believe I could’ve scored 333 more!
DR: You were literally on fire?
GG: Yes. Yes I was.
DR: You were in the zone?
GG: I was in a zone.
DR: Which one?
GG: The zone.
DR: Graham, is there ever a time in your life when you haven’t given 110%?
GG: No Dermot. I’ve always believed in giving your all. Absolutely 110%.
DR: Where does the extra 10% come from?
GG: You’ve got to dig deep Dermot. If you work really hard and graft then you’ll find that extra 10% to give.
DR: What about Viv Richards? Did he give 10%?
GG: He always gave 110%. Infact he often gave 120% he was that kind of player. A complete one off.
DR: Were there any like him?
GG: Well I suppose there have been a few. Clive Lloyd. Chris Broad. Alec Stewart. Alvin Kallicharan.
DR: What about David Gower?
DR: You didn’t like Gower?
GG: If I’m being honest Dermot, him and I never really got on. Pillock. He never really trained. And his disciplinary record was shocking.
DR: You mean that time he divebombed the SCG?
GG: Shocking. Pratt. That’d could’ve resulted in a serious accident and possible fatalities.
DR: They say he even had a bottle of Bollinger with him.
GG: I’m sorry but that doesn’t surprise me. If I’m being honest the man should be locked up.
DR: And if you’re being dishonest?
DR: You said if you’re being honest. What about if you’re being dishonest?
GG: [PAUSE] Are you trying to be funny?
DR: There is one other question our viewers would like to know Graham. Your moustache. You used to be known as Goochy the Moochy. What happened?
GG: [CHUCKLES] Well Dermot. I shaved it off. You see people kept confusing me with a policeman! They’d keep coming up to me and asking me for directions. [CHUCKLES]
DR: Wait Goochy. You had that moustache for 20 years.
GG: Yes I did.
DR: So you’re saying that for 20 years people confused you with a policeman.
DR: You were asked directions for 20 years?
DR: Rumour has it Graham that you put your moustache in a glass cabinet and hung it above your mantelpiece. Is this true?
DR: Did the thought never occur to you?
GG: To put my moustache in a glass cabinet?
GG: [PAUSES] Look Dermot I never liked you. While you were at some shitty county team I was playing for my country. [THERE IS A KERFUFFLE].