KP: The South African Texts

To Dale Steyn:

4.50pm: Yeah! And what d’you call a poshboy who hasn’t scored a ton for 3 years—Andrew Strauss! LOL!

5.00pm: He probably hasn’t had a shag in longer than he’s scored a ton! ROFL!

5.05pm: Yeah mate they’re all tadgers.

5.15pm:  (*l*)Ledge is such an overused word these days, I’m just a fine cricket player. But thanks mate.

5.22pm: Lol! That’d only happen if you passed these texts onto someone else mate! Lol!

5.30pmYou’re not are you Dale mate?

5.44pm: Dale?

5.47pm: Mate?

5.55pm: You what? I’m a snake in the grass? Well you know what they call you? SHIT! Yeah shit!

5.56pm: As in shit Steyn!

5.57pm: Tosser!

6.10pm: Hey bru I’m sorry. Please don’t show anyone those texts.


To Jacques Kallis

4.09pm: Ah yeah mate. I get so horny sitting out here in the sun.

4.11pm: God I know what you mean. All I can think about is tits.

4.15pm: You meant massive buns literally?

4.33pm: Wish the crowd was all naked sometimes. Don’t you bru?

5.01pm: Wait a minute mate something’s come up.

5.05pm: No mate it’s not my p****s. This is serious. Text you later.

To Mark Boucher: 

4.15pm: Oh mate I’m so horny sat here on the balcony. What about you?

4.22pm: Nah me neither, was just trying to get you to say you were. LOL

4.43pm: Hey, bru, so what’d d’you call a nerd who never won shit at cricket—Andrew Flower! Lol

4.52pm : Head like a potato!!! ROFL LMFAO LOL LOL LOL!!!

4.55pm: OMG that really was a good one Bouch!

5.10pm: Jeez mate I’m still laughing at that joke!

5.25pm: Potatoe head– LOL ROFL Best joke of the year

5.26pm: Who saw what?

5.26pm: The text I sent about T*****RS??!

5.40pm: Bouch listen mate this is serious. Delete those texts at once.

5.41pm: Mate I just want to play cricket for another three years 😦

5.46pm: Bouch—please don’t say you got these from me!

5.52pm: Bouch mate? Please mate. Please.

5.52pm: Please.

6.51pm: I think you’ve got the wrong number pal. No one here by the name of Kevin.

To Unknown number:

6.52pm: I didn’t say he had a head shaped like a potato.

6.52pm: Listen Andrew, if you think I’d ever say something so childish as that you don’t know me.

6.54pm: No mate it wasn’t me. I lent him the phone.

6.58pm: A friend.

6.59pm: Steve.

6.59pm: Smith.

7.00pm: South African.

7.07pm: It was Bouch who made the joke.  I only LOL’d it.

7.10: I’ll put out a video saying sorry tomorrow.

7.15: Ye I’ll do it in person.

The police also intercepted the following texts between Henry Blofeld and Jonathan Agnew

4.00pm: Aggers

4.01pm: Yes Blowers?

4.12pm: I need cake…..

4.22pm: Blowers I’ve told you not to contact me on my work phone.

4.33pm: Please Aggers I’m desperate. My mind’s spinining. O God pigeons, everywhere.

4.45pm: I’m dry, no cake left.

4.55pm: Just a tiny bit. Please Aggers. A slice. A quarter slice will do it. I’ll do anything old boy….pigeonnnnns

5.00pm: It’s gonna cost you. Meet me around the toilets. BUT THAT’S IT!!

5.10pm: God bless you Aggers. God bless you


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