To Dale Steyn:
4.50pm: Yeah! And what d’you call a poshboy who hasn’t scored a ton for 3 years—Andrew Strauss! LOL!
5.00pm: He probably hasn’t had a shag in longer than he’s scored a ton! ROFL!
5.05pm: Yeah mate they’re all tadgers.
5.15pm: (*l*)Ledge is such an overused word these days, I’m just a fine cricket player. But thanks mate.
5.22pm: Lol! That’d only happen if you passed these texts onto someone else mate! Lol!
5.30pmYou’re not are you Dale mate?
5.55pm: You what? I’m a snake in the grass? Well you know what they call you? SHIT! Yeah shit!
5.56pm: As in shit Steyn!
6.10pm: Hey bru I’m sorry. Please don’t show anyone those texts.
6.15pm: FUCKING SHIT STEYN!
To Jacques Kallis
4.09pm: Ah yeah mate. I get so horny sitting out here in the sun.
4.11pm: God I know what you mean. All I can think about is tits.
4.15pm: You meant massive buns literally?
4.33pm: Wish the crowd was all naked sometimes. Don’t you bru?
5.01pm: Wait a minute mate something’s come up.
5.05pm: No mate it’s not my p****s. This is serious. Text you later.
To Mark Boucher:
4.15pm: Oh mate I’m so horny sat here on the balcony. What about you?
4.22pm: Nah me neither, was just trying to get you to say you were. LOL
4.43pm: Hey, bru, so what’d d’you call a nerd who never won shit at cricket—Andrew Flower! Lol
4.52pm : Head like a potato!!! ROFL LMFAO LOL LOL LOL!!!
4.55pm: OMG that really was a good one Bouch!
5.10pm: Jeez mate I’m still laughing at that joke!
5.25pm: Potatoe head– LOL ROFL Best joke of the year
5.26pm: Who saw what?
5.26pm: The text I sent about T*****RS??!
5.40pm: Bouch listen mate this is serious. Delete those texts at once.
5.41pm: Mate I just want to play cricket for another three years 😦
5.46pm: Bouch—please don’t say you got these from me!
5.52pm: Bouch mate? Please mate. Please.
6.51pm: I think you’ve got the wrong number pal. No one here by the name of Kevin.
To Unknown number:
6.52pm: I didn’t say he had a head shaped like a potato.
6.52pm: Listen Andrew, if you think I’d ever say something so childish as that you don’t know me.
6.54pm: No mate it wasn’t me. I lent him the phone.
6.58pm: A friend.
7.00pm: South African.
7.07pm: It was Bouch who made the joke. I only LOL’d it.
7.10: I’ll put out a video saying sorry tomorrow.
7.15: Ye I’ll do it in person.
The police also intercepted the following texts between Henry Blofeld and Jonathan Agnew
4.01pm: Yes Blowers?
4.12pm: I need cake…..
4.22pm: Blowers I’ve told you not to contact me on my work phone.
4.33pm: Please Aggers I’m desperate. My mind’s spinining. O God pigeons, everywhere.
4.45pm: I’m dry, no cake left.
4.55pm: Just a tiny bit. Please Aggers. A slice. A quarter slice will do it. I’ll do anything old boy….pigeonnnnns
5.00pm: It’s gonna cost you. Meet me around the toilets. BUT THAT’S IT!!
5.10pm: God bless you Aggers. God bless you