ECB Dossier 10878SKP

STRICTLY PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL

The following doossier was compiled by team member Ian Bell (IB) as part of reconnaissance/revenge mission against ex-England cricket member Kevin Pietersen (KP) between 2011 and 2014. During these three years IB took down and noted every single individual example of KP’s obstructive, uncooperative and sometimes unhinged behaviour which flew contrary to every single law set down by team management Andy Flowers (AF), Andrew Strauss (D) and Graham Goochy (GG). We thank Belly for his help and recommend he be awarded a lifetime central contract for services to English cricket and the Victoria Cross.

1. Nov 21-25 2011: KP whistles the tune to “The Good, the Bad and The Ugly” every time he sees AF, including throughout a team meeting. At times he whistles louder, such as when AF is speaking to him directly. When IB speaks to him he whistles the tune to what sounds like The Blue Oyster Bar at the top of his lungs. KP has also been assuming funny voices when responding to AS’s questions, sometimes speaking in a mock-Scottish voice, other times shaking his head from side to side in an Indian accent.

2. January 5-9 2012: KP disobeys team orders and goes out drinking with several younger members of the team,including MP, MV and WGG. The grooming of these young cricketers is taken as a most serious disciplinary offence under ECB Laws passed in 1878. On witnessing, AF approaches KP and asks him to explain why he is attempting to corrupt innocence. KP responds by shrieking “Jawohl Mein Herr!” and lifting left arm to 135 degree angle. Later KP suggests to AF they “bury the hatchet” and have a beer. AF suggests something stronger. In end neither is able to find compromise. KP leaves Lords whistling.

3. April 2012, Delhi: As team morale wilts under bout of curry-fuelled gastoenteritis, KP uses FIVE sheets of toilet paper. This leaves less able member of the team, Less Able Seaman Jonathan Trott, toiletrollless. Unable to complete toilet for five days Less Able Seaman Trott is eventually forced to leave tour.

4. January to March 2013: KP asks team to refer to him as Hamlet throughout the India tour and will not spake not unless referenced thus. When asked why he wishes to be called thus, replies simply, “I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth.” Is heard referring to Matt Prior as “that beast with two backs”. When challenged about behaviour screams– “Then will thou mock me? Would thou mockest the stars and sun?” (ECB Note.2: Pietersen shows clear symptoms of narcissistic complex. His behaviour is disliked by the other egos in the team, in particular MP who is particularly distressed by KPs refusal to call him Le Grand Fromage).

5. March to February 2012: During the Lord’s Test v Australia KP indulges in habit of reading team newspaper alone on the balcony, focusing only on sections about himself. Reads self-complimentary passages out loudly with a smile or asks team member IB to read out passage to him. At the end of the reading session deliberately leaves the newspaper in a puddle, rendering it soggy and unreadable for rest of team. This is felt most keenly by AC the intellectual of the group who had eagerly been waiting to read the Funday Times.

6. During the Adelaide Test in 2013 KP gets himself out off his third delivery when attempting to pull a good length ball into the grandstand. Questioned by AF as to why he has attempted such a shot so early KP responds: “I’ve only got two gears, mate. Neutral and fucking fast.” Graeme Swann challenges him on this stating he may only have two gears– “neutral and fucking stupid.” KP is later seen leaving IB’s room clutching a bottle of linseed oil.

7. On 15th March 2013, his last Test Match, KP runs into the dressing room and shouts– ” I’ve got a weapon of mass destruction. No one’s gonna fire me.” When challenged by Lord’s security as to what he meant he says he was simply making metaphorical reference to his penis. Members of the team are shocked by this grotesque use of language and shun KP for the rest of the tour.

AF testimony: Ehehehehe, nightly did I give Kevin his homework to complete. But KP put in far too little effort into his work this term. He appears to be capable of producing work of high quality but his innings are always too short and rushed. The only way he will get a reasonable average is by working hard. One evening, on the wing, I didst seek out KP in all the bars in Perth, and yet I saw him not. On returning to the hotel I was violently accosted by men dressed in Smurfs outfits who accused me of being a Nosferatu and left me hospitalised. For this I blame KP.